8 Real Reasons People are Drawn to Push and Pull Relationships

Every relationship moves to its own beat—a distinct emotional rhythm that connects two people. But sometimes, those steps can feel dizzying, confusing, and deeply compelling, all at once. Welcome to the intense and unpredictable realm of push and pull relationships—a passionate yet turbulent emotional tug-of-war.

In this dynamic, one partner often creates distance (the “push”), while the other instinctively tries to close the gap (the “pull”). It’s a whirlwind ride of highs and lows, where instead of moving together, the partners seem to drift in opposing directions.

It’s like being caught in an endless loop of emotional heat and cold—a pattern of pursuit and retreat that mimics the suspense of a love story laced with uncertainty. One moment, there’s magnetic connection and closeness; the next, a chilling detachment takes its place.

Picture it as an emotional game of cat and mouse. The puller, like the eager mouse, chases after the elusive cat, the pusher. But just as closeness nears, the cat slips away—igniting a cycle of longing and withdrawal, of affection offered and then withheld.

But surely there’s more to this dramatic emotional dance. What lies beneath this relentless back-and-forth? What drives this pattern of vanishing and reappearing, of love that's given only to be taken away?

# The Thrill of the Ride

Think of it like an action-packed blockbuster—far more gripping than a slow-burning drama. Push-pull relationships often feel exhilarating because of the extreme emotional highs and lows. This rollercoaster can become addictive, with chaos being misread as passion and volatility mistaken for deep love.

# Fearful Avoidant Attachment: A Tug-of-War Within

Just when you thought Attachment Theory had nothing more to offer—enter the Fearful Avoidant. People with this style crave closeness but also fear it deeply. They want connection but retreat the moment it feels too real. Imagine standing at the edge of the ocean, desperate to dive in but paralyzed by fear of drowning. That’s the internal conflict that fuels the push-pull dynamic from within.

# The Hope That Love Can Heal Everything

Many stay entangled in push-pull relationships believing love can fix anything—even deeply rooted emotional patterns. “If I just love harder, they’ll stop running,” they tell themselves. But love, though powerful, isn’t a magical cure for attachment wounds. Real change comes from within, not from external validation or effort alone.

# Emotional Intensity Creates Attachment

The emotional drama can forge a strong bond between partners. For the ‘puller,’ getting the ‘pusher’ back feels like a victory. For the ‘pusher,’ being chased offers a sense of worth. This give-and-take, though unstable, can start to feel like connection—even if it’s based on tension rather than true intimacy.

# Chasing What You Can’t Have

There’s something inherently tempting about the unattainable. The more distant and unavailable the ‘pusher’ becomes, the more desirable they seem to the ‘puller.’ It’s a painful paradox—what hurts also captivates, and what’s always just out of reach feels like it’s worth chasing.

# Replaying the Past

We often recreate the relationship dynamics we grew up with. If your early experiences involved emotional unpredictability or a lack of stable love, a push-pull relationship might feel strangely familiar—even comfortable. It’s a pattern that can feel like home, even when it hurts.

# Insecurity and Fear of Being Left

Low self-worth often plays a major role in this cycle. The ‘puller’ might settle for inconsistent affection, believing they don’t deserve better. Meanwhile, the ‘pusher’ may fear true intimacy, using distance as a form of self-protection. Both are acting out of fear—of rejection, abandonment, or being truly seen.

# The Lure of the Unexpected

Let’s be honest: routine can get dull. The unpredictability of a push-pull relationship adds excitement. The emotional chaos, especially the passionate reunions after conflict, floods the brain with feel-good chemicals like dopamine—making the highs harder to give up, even when the lows take their toll.